"and I'm respected in the hood like a G"

Right now I'm laying on my couch sick as fuck with a fever and a headache that feels like Mirko Cro Cop just landed a high left to my brain. I really wanted to write something about how good the Judgement Night Soundtrack was, but I'm having enough trouble even writing this right now. So all I have to say is: Judgement Night Soundtrack, diamond in the rough among bad 90's soundtracks, get it. If you don't know what it is, it was a bunch of exclusive rap/rock collabs (Helmet/House Of Pain, Biohazard/Onyx, Slayer/Ice-T, Dinosaur Jr./Del, ect). Far better than the horrible Spawn Soundtrack that tried a similar idea a few years later. It's worth it just for the Faith No More & Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E. track alone ("Another Body Murdered"). Don't let the busted cover fool you, truly a dollar bin classic.

Elliot Wilhelm - "You Ain't Woman Enough (To Take My Man)"

Most of my friends know that The Rock is one of my favorite action stars of all time. Anyone who has seen The Rundown knows this is undeniable. Anyway my love for The Rock led me to watch Be Cool (aka: the sequel to Get Shorty, which doesn't feature The Rock, so I will probably never watch it) earlier today. One word: classic. All I have to say is The Rock stole the show as Elliot Wilhelm the gay bodyguard/aspiring-actor. This video was one of the bonus features on the DVD and I might go as far to say one of the highlights of The Rock's career. The fact that I find a gay cowboy covering Loretta Lynn's "You Ain't Woman Enough (To Take My Man)" hilarious enough to share only proves I might have the worst sense of humor of all time... deal with it.

attn: Annabelle Loren

Your ass just got pushed into a vat of acid.

That's what happens when you fuck with Vincent Price.

The original House On Haunted Hill is pretty great. I'll be honest, even the remake isn't really that bad even though the story is completely different. I guess the cat is out of the proverbial bag about my affinity for bad horror movies. Skeletons pushing two-timing harlots into vats of acid... get into it.

interview: Beefcake The Mighty (Gwar)

Yo, it's Gwar! What more introduction do you need? These dudes are the hottest rock n' roll aliens since Space Ace took off the make up and revealed he was part of the lizard race. Bass player Beefcake The Mighty filled me in on the finer points of being a 299 ton hulking behemoth. I'm sure someone will be offended. (like Trust No One said, "you've been warned")


Whats up man? What's the deal, you're like a space creature who plays bass? I still can't wrap my head around this concept.

"Space creature"?!? I'm clearly a Hulking Space Barbaric Anomaly! Bass is merely one of the many conceptual things that I can wrap around YOUR head, turd!


I'm watching that movies Aliens right now and you guys don't strike me as the same species. Is there any relation between Gwar and the aliens I see in movies. (i.e. Predator, E.T., Cocoon)

No, none at all... those are all, what we call, low rent life forms... and then the fuckin' Predators go and rip off our Antarctican Stronghold for their gay ass AVP movie, pff! Actually, I dug that movie... but you'll see Aliens with outstretched mandibles, drooling on themselves, begging for slop throughout the Uni, it's pathetic...

cinema at its finest

It seems like out of everyone in the band you're the biggest hit with the ladies. Any thoughts on why the girls love Beefcake so much?

What can I say? Ladies LOVE Cool J! Have "Beef", WILL boogie... besides, more women than you might think actually enjoy being slapped, smacked and tossed around the boudoir!


Tour for you guys is obviously a whole different world than for any other band. You have to have had some crazy shit happen. Any memorable stories?

A stripper got on our bus after a show in Charleston, SC and rode all the way to Nashville, TN, basically dancing in the front lounge for hours... I didn't get blown that night, but some of my brethren did! Maybe even the driver, that fuckin' bus was all over the road! Last summer all the power went out on the bus... no showers after a North Carolina show, and no A.C. all the way to Orlando, we're talking fucking JULY, us, no showers, 12 hour drive... urgh, horrifying! I did get laid that day though... talk about a chick that's a trooper, eh?


Everyone knows Gwar is "Scumdogs of the Universe", but apparently now that band Evergreen Terrace is "Wolfbikers". Do you feel there will be any sort of rivalry between both your bands canine gangs?

"Wolfbikers"?!? Why, because they smell funny, and enjoy their Trek Mountain Bikes? I s'pose you can just dub yourself anything you want though... not one of those guys can even grow hair on their face... hmm, I must be missing something here... pff, rivalry?! Yeah, like the one a snowflake has with Miami!


You let me try on your suit last summer and that shit was great/disgusting. Any good stories about anyone else trying on the armor?

One time Dez (Devil Driver) wanted to don the helmet... as soon as he got it close to his face, he started smelling it, when he slid it over his head, "squish", fluids starting running down his face, he immediately starting choking, took off the helmet and began puking into a nearby garbage can... splendid!

it's like I was born to wear the suit

Out of all you guys, Spew Slave is the biggest mystery to me. Fill me in about this dude. (Spew Slave is the dude in charge of the all the live blood and guts)

Spewie is somewhat of an enigma... we found him licking the floors in a Mule Cannery just outside Toledo, Ohio. We beat him senseless (didn't take long), peeled off his face, threw him in the "Bat-Shaped" helicopter, and headed back to the Slave Pit, where he was informed of his new lifelong task. He enjoys Backgammon, downers and long mud baths made up of lard, Nestle Quik and semen.


People might not know that you're actually a big fan of a lot of the bands you guys tour with and collect a lot of memorabilia from them. Do you have any really crazy stuff in your collection? Black Dahlia Murder's cirrhosis-ed livers or anything like that?

I have the The Captain's head (Brian - Black Dahlia Murder) WITH the goofy little hat... I've got the top row of Inferno's (Behemoth) teeth... hemorrhoids in a jar of formaldehyde from John Campbell (Lamb Of God)... very soon I will be skinning Mark Hunter (Chimaira) and making lamp shades with his cool Paul Booth tattoos...

Brian with head and hat

Thanks a lot for doing the interview man. Any last words?

Stay in drugs, drink your school, clean your milk... you can get work!


For more info on Gwar's global domination plan check out www.gwar.net. Or just go out and pick up their new CD 'Beyond Hell' and new DVD 'Bloodbath And Beyond' at your local record store. I'm gonna go back to watching The Muppets Take Manhattan. Peace!

tornado up in my spot

A tornado went through my neighborhood this morning. I slept through it. Here's what the news had to say about it though:

"Severe thunderstorms and at least one tornado killed 19 people on Friday when they ripped through Florida in the dead of night, tearing homes to shreds, toppling heavy trucks and leaving a trail of rubble." - Reuters

That's probably more exciting than anything I would have written about it. I'll try to post some pics later after we get power back. Luckily, I only had a tree fall over in my yard... 3 houses down was not so lucky.

interview: Karl Hensel (Bridge 9)

Karl Hensel has a pretty good hardcore legacy built up already: former drummer of Holding On and Martyr AD, current label manager at Bridge 9 and one time I moshed him into a car door. Here's what Karl had to say about his run so far.


OK so lets start this off. You have a couple pretty serious bands under your belt man. Lets get a short description of your time with Holding On and Martyr AD.

Serious is a very loosely defined word. The short description of Holding On would be “fun” and the short description of Martyr AD would be “learning experience.” I also thought that it was more fun to be disrespected and not taken seriously by my friends while setting piles of money on fire, so I joined a band to give that dream a purpose.


Some people might not know that after Holding On and Martyr AD both broke up you did a band called The Holy Ghostriders. Tell me a little about that band for people not in the loop.

It was the anti-thesis of Martyr AD-we didn’t want to do anything serious and we wanted it to be completely fun and have punishing drinking problems that didn’t bother anyone. No other aspirations. Our first show, someone found out it was ex-Martyr AD members (three of us) and he was wearing a Throwdown shirt and overheard to say “I hope these guys kill it.” He was later seen really bummed out standing outside complaining we didn’t have any mosh at all during our 3rd song. We had a motto and a theme. The motto and theme was “we’re a good time party apocalypse” meaning after us, the party was dead forever. We lived up to that ethic sufficiently. We did play on a bowling alley once, but the details are a bit foggy.

The Holy Ghostriders

Which band had weirder shit happen on tour? And what was the craziest thing you remember?

Holding On had some pretty crazy shit happen, like fights at Panera bread and paying kids to jump naked into the Baltimore harbor. Then again- I remember getting kicked out over windmill cookies, playing in Slovenia and riding jet-skis in the Gulf of Mexico, so that’s pretty weird.


While we were in Europe with Martyr AD there was probably the worst beard growing contest in history. How does it feel to have been crowned the winner and how bummed was your girlfriend when you got home?

It felt mighty and I only kept it going because so many people told me to stop the insanity. See the picture attached. It looked like a beard from a distance, but up close, it looked like a 100% pervert.

fig. 1: out-bearding "Sad Chaz"

fig. 2: out-bearding NAMBLA

Now you're currently the label manager at Bridge 9. How did that one get hooked up?

Chris posted it on the B9 board. I called him up sick of my job and I was in Boston interviewing the next week. I had realized that I was probably going to have more fun doing that than living the 40 Year Old Virgin’s dream of making a living off of Ebay in a semi-corporate setting-so I went for it. (Karl used to manage an Ebay store... and has still never even seen boobs in his life.)


I would imagine being label manager is still kind of like being in a band except now instead of having to play with all the shitty local bands and see them live you have to hear their demos that get mailed in. Correct?

In all honesty, I listen to every single demo we get, but being an asshole and making shitty jokes sometimes wins out. Roadside Records is out of business, yes. But we now have Aurora AS1219CD Records and the sub-label, Shreddin Tunes, LTD, so things are good.

Aurora Electronics AS1219CD (Cross-Cut) Shredder

You had to move from Minneapolis out to Boston for that job. How much do you miss mock duck now? (for those who don't know, Minneapolis is the mock duck capitol of the world)

They have mock duck here. It’s called “fake duck” or “gluten.” It’s really weird. I miss the Triple Rock, Evergreen, and Grumpy’s more than my parents, and I think that’s kind of fucked up.


On more than one occasion you've fought a bush and lost. How much did that suck?

It was a tough match. Prior to that, I found myself with my arm around some New Jersey locals singing “Alison” by Elvis Costello and I was so enraged by their lack of key and timing, that plantlife had to watch out. I may have pee'd in a parking lot, too. (whoa peeing in a parking lot?! you rebel!)


Alright thanks a lot man. Any last words? Do you have any defense for your Against Me super-fandom?

I like bands that don’t suck, and when a band rules, I like them a lot more. It’s a very simple, objective definition. But to be fair, I think Alkaline Trio is more in the “super-fandom” category and the Hold Steady is creeping up behind them, but Against Me is in great company.


You can contact Karl at karl@bridge9.com. He would also probably be into it if you went to www.bridge9.com and took some Stand & Fight CD's off their hands.

an open letter to Lisa Loeb

Dear Lisa Loeb,

First I have to admit I really hated that song "Stay" you wrote... and I don't know any of your other songs. But I recently saw this picture of you online and decided that I can put that behind us and embrace our future together. Lisa Loeb, frankly, you are bangin'. When did you start looking so good? I don't really know much about you, but since you played Lilith Fair I always assumed you were a lesbian. Hopefully that is not true. Call me sometime. We can listen to Entombed and play Mario Party.

Sincerely,
Karim

PS: What are you like 35 now?

allow me to... nevermind

I figure before I get to far into this I should introduce myself for anyone who doesn't already know me who happens to come across this. Writing about myself always seems kind of weird to me, but I guess I should get used to it, right? Here it goes:

I'm this 23 year old, vegan, straight edge, dork from Florida. I've spent the past few years of my life touring with bands (Black Dahlia Murder, The Haunted, Lacuna Coil, Martyr AD, ect) the majority of the year and I guess being the only sober one, for the most part, through who knows how many cities, states, providences, countries and continents (well 2 anyway) I figured maybe I have some insight on life. Probably not, though.

I guess I must be doing something right because people keep putting me in charge of things. Chowdah Luv says the only time he got worried was when he woke up on the side of the road and heard me outside saying, "I've never even heard of that happening before." This was in response to Brian waking me up because the van had been shaking and when I went and looked at the trailer one of the wheels was covered in black boiling grease and smoking. That entire hub on the axle melted off about 15 minutes later and we learned that's what happens if there's no grease on the bearings. Fancy that.

This blog was initially just an excuse to finally do something with this dumb website name I registered last year (yeah, I intentionally picked the douchiest sounding thing I could think of). It's not really supposed to be about anything. I did this zine called Dude: The Zine that was along the same lines. After I did the first issue I got really busy touring and never did a second one so I guess you can consider this issue 2 through whatever. Scuba has taken to calling it Dude: The Blog, even though I do not approve of that name.

Unhealthy amounts of orange flavored drinks, my iPod and text messaging are pretty much the only things that get me through the day. Real cool.

gone completely beyond

"the mighty fall at last, they are as dust before the wind."